These past few months with you have offered me a different perspective, not just on human relationships but on life. I remember vividly the first time we exchanged messages on Messenger and how I gave in to an impulse to call you. I had no idea why I did, and I’m yet to fully understand what caused the thought. Whatever the cause, I am glad it showed up and I did not ignore it. It gave me you.
In many ways, life is full of temporary things, and it is a distinct fault in our make-up to search for wholeness in fragmented pieces of our existence. I say this because I feel like my whole life has been directed towards filling a void that has long existed, a search for something not fully envisioned or describable, and I am inclined to look in places which, in hindsight, there was little chance of finding it. The reason for this is clear: until what is looked for is fully formed in the mind, one would not know when he finds it.
While starting out our friendship, I had this sense of impermanence. You were B, from Kaduna, schooling in South Africa, a devout Christian with a blog in which she documented her experiences and the lessons. This might sound a bit specific, but in my mind, it was quite generic. There was no personality to ascribe to you and so there was no person. You were another name on Facebook, who was indirectly linked to me by the accident of previous educational experiences.
The six months since have changed all that, and perhaps I am the most surprised by this. I have discovered a girl with a compassionate heart, devotion to her family, desire to be the best person she can be, drive to be excellent, flaws she tries to overcome, problem with saying things that can be misinterpreted by people with slightly corrupt minds (It’s not that deep…), and so much more. I have found a person I have grown to admire, to appreciate, to love.
Yes, we might still have our little fights and we might not be on the same page on some things that are important to you—Christianity, for example—but we both have made deliberate efforts to shore up this joint experiment of ours. Yes, it does still feel fragile and it could well wilt before it grows to full maturity. That possibility always exists, as with all things that have life. But I hope that is not the outcome we experience. I am fairly confident that we would find a way to make this work, to make this creation of ours a little firmer, a little more permanent and more fulfilling, for our individual growths in purpose.
I am not the easiest person to be with, B. There will be times I will test your patience (as I am sure I already have) and there will be times you would wonder why we are together. This is not just the past colouring the present. It is as it is. When those times come, please tell me what it is I do wrong. Do not keep those feelings to yourself as I am not the most perceptive, especially of emotions. That way, I can make right what I might have done wrong, or at least try to.
We have a lot to discover about ourselves. We still have our discussion on faith pending. Who is to tell what the future holds for you, for me, for us. Wherever the chips may fall, I have no doubt that this period in both our lives would always be remembered with fondness. And maybe when we are a little older, we would appreciate the improbability of “us” a bit more. You were right. Letting someone in is selfless. Pulling down those barriers of doubt, of self-protection, that is selfless. But in that, you have been far more selfless than I have been. And you have made your light shine in places within, which I had lost memory of. And for that, I am grateful.
P.S. I am mad over you, girl.
– This story was written by Chidozie Akakuru and first appeared on TheNakedConvos under the pseudonym, Miebi.